500(+) days of awkward: Seven years in Facebook statuses

Mazel Tav, Facebook. Today, you’re a tween.

Ten years ago this week, Mark Zuckerberg launched thefacebook.com from his beer-ridden, dimly lit Harvard dorm room in a move that would permanently reshape social media (cue: “Damn, Jesse Eisenberg was a prick in that movie”) and leave all of Generation Y toggling with their privacy settings in hopes of still finding employment.

As the world celebrates ten years of instant-gratification, finding that former high school flame and keeping touch over states and seas, I’m celebrating seven years of cyber-stalking my ex boyfriends, accidentally poking people I haven’t seen in years and misquoting song lyrics.

Millennials have learned a lot from Facebook culture — from the (scarily real) power of networking to just who from high school we’d settle for never seeing again. See also: Don’t be that guy on Christmas (no one cares about your Michael Kors watch) and It’s no use hiding your ex from your timeline (you’re just going to use the search-bar).

Besides the obvious — don’t drink and post, don’t gym and post, don’t eat and post — going back seven years on my own Timeline has taught me some seriously cringe-worthy lessons.

1. Always start off strong.1

2. No one cares about your public PMS.


3. It’s okay to be passive-aggressive as long as you also quote the Shins.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.39.18 PM

4. It’s better to be honest.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.38.51 PM

5. Labels are for bitches.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.41.09 PM

6. When in doubt, just be Beyonce.6

7. Always log out of Facebook.Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.28.23 PM

8. “I won’t tag you” is almost always a lie.Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.37.18 PM

9. What happens in the limo, stays in the limo…until it’s on Facebook.2
10. Tagged photos won’t just “go away.”Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.45.06 PM

11. But your friends might if you post stuff like this:3Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.35.12 PM12. Finally, if you’re going to be in a Facebook relationship, do so quietly (and sober).

In hindsight, there were way worse albums than “dominique’s limo party” (see: “Life at the bottom of a gin bucket,” “Cinco de slut” and “Jingle bell blackout”) and, seven years later, my Timeline is equal-parts shameless self promotion, selfies with dogs and recipes for jello shots.

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