500(+) days of awkward: Seven years in Facebook statuses
Mazel Tav, Facebook. Today, you’re a tween.
Ten years ago this week, Mark Zuckerberg launched thefacebook.com from his beer-ridden, dimly lit Harvard dorm room in a move that would permanently reshape social media (cue: “Damn, Jesse Eisenberg was a prick in that movie”) and leave all of Generation Y toggling with their privacy settings in hopes of still finding employment.
As the world celebrates ten years of instant-gratification, finding that former high school flame and keeping touch over states and seas, I’m celebrating seven years of cyber-stalking my ex boyfriends, accidentally poking people I haven’t seen in years and misquoting song lyrics.
Millennials have learned a lot from Facebook culture — from the (scarily real) power of networking to just who from high school we’d settle for never seeing again. See also: Don’t be that guy on Christmas (no one cares about your Michael Kors watch) and It’s no use hiding your ex from your timeline (you’re just going to use the search-bar).
Besides the obvious — don’t drink and post, don’t gym and post, don’t eat and post — going back seven years on my own Timeline has taught me some seriously cringe-worthy lessons.
1. Always start off strong.
2. No one cares about your public PMS.
3. It’s okay to be passive-aggressive as long as you also quote the Shins.
4. It’s better to be honest.
5. Labels are for bitches.
6. When in doubt, just be Beyonce.
7. Always log out of Facebook.
8. “I won’t tag you” is
almost always a lie.
9. What happens in the limo, stays in the limo…until it’s on Facebook.
10. Tagged photos won’t just “go away.”
11. But your friends might if you post stuff like this:12. Finally, if you’re going to be in a Facebook relationship, do so quietly (and sober).
In hindsight, there were way worse albums than “dominique’s limo party” (see: “Life at the bottom of a gin bucket,” “Cinco de slut” and “Jingle bell blackout”) and, seven years later, my Timeline is equal-parts shameless self promotion, selfies with dogs and recipes for jello shots.