My year in times I cried
Gin makes me a no-good, very bad, terrible person. (See also: an emotional trainwreck.) But — while it certainly doesn’t do much to help the cause — what I choose to drink doesn’t change the fact that I’ve always been a crier. It’s written in my DNA. Always has been, always will be.
(To those who choose to love me,
I am deeply sorry.)
For those who doubt me (or have simply never seen me bawl my eyes out in a public restroom), here’s a list of just some of the things that reduced me to tears this past year:
- Burning my tongue on a tater tot last New Year’s Eve
- Watching a friend get sworn in as a member of the Yonkers Fire Department
- Getting Fireball in my eye not once, but twice
- Celebrating our friend’s baby’s first birthday
- Watching said baby unwrap a pair of child-sized Raybans
- That time a drunk friend of mine called my Jewish co-worker Anne Frank
- Finding out the sex of my beautiful friend’s baby
- Seeing said mama-to-be open THESE TEENSY, TINY BABY JEANS:
- Every time I was drunk and couldn’t find my phone
- Every time I was drunk and couldn’t find my friend
- Every time I was drunk and couldn’t find the Tums
- Every 45 minutes at the annual benefit concert for my parents (see especially: when my best friend informed me via scribbled numbers on a bar napkin that we’d raised more than $10,000, and after that terribly unnecessary, complementary Jameson shot)
- Because it was my best friend’s birthday
- Because everyone was singing showtunes on the train
- Because there was no more gin
- Because the dentist made my front tooth faintly resemble the Liberty Bell
- Because he felt bad and fixed it for free
- Because I missed my mom
- Because I missed my dad
- Because I missed the train
- FINALLY MEETING THIS BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL:
- Holding her mother in my arms for the first time post-giving life to a little human
- Mom’s birthday, dad’s birthday, Christmas and Saint Patrick’s Day
- My half-brother’s wedding
- At least three episodes of Dancing with the Stars
- The end of “Wild”
- The end of “How to Train Your Dragon”
- The end of “Parks and Recreation”
- The entirety of “Inside Out”
- Finding out a friend’s mom died at just 44 years old
- That time we had no choice but to hitchhike in Cooperstown
- THAT TIME MY CO-WORKER/LIFE PARTNER/DEAR FRIEND GIFTED ME A GROUPON FOR A 60-MINUTE DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE VIA G-MAIL WHILE I WROTE THIS PIECE
- Buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese
- Looking at this picture:
- Because I got a promotion
- Because a stranger looked at me funny
- Because Brand New was playing
- Because a boy didn’t like me
- Because it was cold
- Because, taxes
- Because McDonalds was closed
- Wine
Meaghan McGoldrick 