My year in times I cried

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Gin makes me a no-good, very bad, terrible person. (See also: an emotional trainwreck.) But — while it certainly doesn’t do much to help the cause — what I choose to drink doesn’t change the fact that I’ve always been a crier. It’s written in my DNA. Always has been, always will be.

(To those who choose to love me,
I am deeply sorry.)

For those who doubt me (or have simply never seen me bawl my eyes out in a public restroom), here’s a list of just some of the things that reduced me to tears this past year:

  • Burning my tongue on a tater tot last New Year’s Eve
  • Watching a friend get sworn in as a member of the Yonkers Fire Department
  • Getting Fireball in my eye not once, but twice
  • Celebrating our friend’s baby’s first birthday
  • Watching said baby unwrap a pair of child-sized Raybans
  • That time a drunk friend of mine called my Jewish co-worker Anne Frank
  • Finding out the sex of my beautiful friend’s baby
  • Seeing said mama-to-be open THESE TEENSY, TINY BABY JEANS:

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  • Every time I was drunk and couldn’t find my phone
  • Every time I was drunk and couldn’t find my friend
  • Every time I was drunk and couldn’t find the Tums
  • Every 45 minutes at the annual benefit concert for my parents (see especially: when my best friend informed me via scribbled numbers on a bar napkin that we’d raised more than $10,000, and after that terribly unnecessary, complementary Jameson shot)

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  • Because it was my best friend’s birthday
  • Because everyone was singing showtunes on the train
  • Because there was no more gin
  • Because the dentist made my front tooth faintly resemble the Liberty Bell
  • Because he felt bad and fixed it for free
  • Because I missed my mom
  • Because I missed my dad
  • Because I missed the train
  • FINALLY MEETING THIS BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL:

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  • Holding her mother in my arms for the first time post-giving life to a little human
  • Mom’s birthday, dad’s birthday, Christmas and Saint Patrick’s Day
  • My half-brother’s wedding
  • At least three episodes of Dancing with the Stars
  • The end of “Wild”
  • The end of “How to Train Your Dragon”
  • The end of “Parks and Recreation”
  • The entirety of “Inside Out”
  • Finding out a friend’s mom died at just 44 years old
  • That time we had no choice but to hitchhike in Cooperstown
  • THAT TIME MY CO-WORKER/LIFE PARTNER/DEAR FRIEND GIFTED ME A GROUPON FOR A 60-MINUTE DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE VIA G-MAIL WHILE I WROTE THIS PIECE
  • Buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese
  • Looking at this picture:

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  • Because I got a promotion
  • Because a stranger looked at me funny
  • Because Brand New was playing
  • Because a boy didn’t like me
  • Because it was cold
  • Because, taxes
  • Because McDonalds was closed
  • Wine
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