Except dancing on an Alphabet City bar stage to Salt n Pepa, posing outside of Irish Exit because “we’re 21 now…wait, we’re 23,” losing the head of a screwdriver to the cork on the inside of a wine bottle, and that guy from OKCupid who said, “If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.” Okay, okay. I have […]
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a track record of awful purchases (shout out to that $80 Urban Outfitters duvet cover I thought was a full-fledged comforter set, that copy of Spiderman 2, Tobey Maguire edition, on DVD and that full-pleather skater skirt I’ll never, ever wear). See also: every single Starbucks […]
It was midnight on a Saturday as I sat upright, dead sober and straight-faced at a small-town Brooklyn bar. My friends fed money to the tip jar and the jukebox (all rap songs removed by the bar-owner) while I forced back a Bud heavy like it was cough syrup and sulked. This gruesome public display of depression was (and always will be) worse […]
Sober and stable, but one earring is cool. The next page was a definitive list of boys I had “CRAZY” crushes on*. Special shout-out to Claire’s and also my mom for not throwing this away with my provocatively dressed Bratz doll. * Two turned out to be gay.
“How far are you from your folks’ place?” asked a way-cooler-than-me 29-year-old punk(ish) band member I was interviewing over an expensive cup of coffee and apartment-talk in Greenpoint. Using the term “folks” made him instantly cooler. That, and his off-center nose ring. “Oh, both my parents are dead.” Thank God this wasn’t a date. His face […]
Mazel Tav, Facebook. Today, you’re a tween. Ten years ago this week, Mark Zuckerberg launched thefacebook.com from his beer-ridden, dimly lit Harvard dorm room in a move that would permanently reshape social media (cue: “Damn, Jesse Eisenberg was a prick in that movie”) and leave all of Generation Y toggling with their privacy settings in hopes of still finding employment. […]
Moving is hard. I knew that. I’ve seen Casper. I saw it coming. What I didn’t see coming (besides the blizzard that fucked my U-Haul)? It being ten times harder (times the square root) when you’ve got your own shit, your parents’ shit and their parents’ shit. Three months, 50-something garbage bags, 25 reinforced boxes […]
A friendly follow-up to Not OK, OKCupid. Dear OKCupid, I was wrong. It’s definitely you. Stop that right now. Oh. Thanks! Definitely love your smile. That depends. Does publishing it on the Internet and hoping it goes viral count? No, but I see you’ve already changed your mind.
I wonder if my mom had made it if I’d ever let her read my blog. Sure, my entire extended family reads it (thank you, Facebook) but there’s something about me grappling with my own sexuality and temperament that says she wouldn’t approve (or at least be fairly itchy). I’m not sure I would’ve wanted her to know I […]
1. Pop the champagne in an empty room. Every time. Run at the sound of “champagne showers.” 2. Sleeping on the cold, hard floor of Grand Central Station never, ever feels good; no matter how many watered down shots you took or tables you danced on before passing out in the cab-ride there with a […]