Archives

I’m a writer with nothing to write about

Except dancing on an Alphabet City bar stage to Salt n Pepa, posing outside of Irish Exit because “we’re 21 now…wait, we’re 23,” losing the head of a screwdriver to the cork on the inside of a wine bottle, and that guy from OKCupid who said, “If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.” Okay, okay. I have […]

Read More

I want my money back: 25 songs I wish I hadn’t paid for

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a track record of awful purchases (shout out to that $80 Urban Outfitters duvet cover I thought was a full-fledged comforter set, that copy of Spiderman 2, Tobey Maguire edition, on DVD and that full-pleather skater skirt I’ll never, ever wear). See also: every single Starbucks […]

Read More

An open letter to my tolerance

It was midnight on a Saturday as I sat upright, dead sober and straight-faced at a small-town Brooklyn bar. My friends fed money to the tip jar and the jukebox (all rap songs removed by the bar-owner) while I forced back a Bud heavy like it was cough syrup and sulked. This gruesome public display of depression was (and always will be) worse […]

Read More

Here’s what ten-year-old me wanted in a man

Sober and stable, but one earring is cool. The next page was a definitive list of boys I had “CRAZY” crushes on*. Special shout-out to Claire’s and also my mom for not throwing this away with my provocatively dressed Bratz doll. * Two turned out to be gay.

Read More

An ode to baggage and “being yourself”

“How far are you from your folks’ place?” asked a way-cooler-than-me 29-year-old punk(ish) band member I was interviewing over an expensive cup of coffee and apartment-talk in Greenpoint. Using the term “folks” made him instantly cooler. That, and his off-center nose ring. “Oh, both my parents are dead.” Thank God this wasn’t a date. His face […]

Read More

500(+) days of awkward: Seven years in Facebook statuses

Mazel Tav, Facebook. Today, you’re a tween. Ten years ago this week, Mark Zuckerberg launched thefacebook.com from his beer-ridden, dimly lit Harvard dorm room in a move that would permanently reshape social media (cue: “Damn, Jesse Eisenberg was a prick in that movie”) and leave all of Generation Y toggling with their privacy settings in hopes of still finding employment. […]

Read More

Dear Notebook: a seventh-grader’s guide to abortion, Good Charlotte and the real world

Moving is hard. I knew that. I’ve seen Casper. I saw it coming. What I didn’t see coming (besides the blizzard that fucked my U-Haul)? It being ten times harder (times the square root) when you’ve got your own shit, your parents’ shit and their parents’ shit. Three months, 50-something garbage bags, 25 reinforced boxes […]

Read More

Still not OK, OKCupid

A friendly follow-up to Not OK, OKCupid. Dear OKCupid, I was wrong. It’s definitely you. Stop that right now. Oh. Thanks! Definitely love your smile. That depends. Does publishing it on the Internet and hoping it goes viral count? No, but I see you’ve already changed your mind.

Read More

Is there wi-fi in heaven?

I wonder if my mom had made it if I’d ever let her read my blog. Sure, my entire extended family reads it (thank you, Facebook) but there’s something about me grappling with my own sexuality and temperament that says she wouldn’t approve (or at least be fairly itchy). I’m not sure I would’ve wanted her to know I […]

Read More

22 life lessons learned by 22

1. Pop the champagne in an empty room. Every time. Run at the sound of “champagne showers.” 2. Sleeping on the cold, hard floor of Grand Central Station never, ever feels good; no matter how many watered down shots you took or tables you danced on before passing out in the cab-ride there with a […]

Read More