Out of the frying pan, into the fire: A life lessons listicle

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A friend recently informed me that I’ve been living below the poverty line.

Since blowing through my savings in a mere two-ish years on my own, I’ve had the nice, expensive Pursian rug pulled out from underneath me. The one that paved the way for lavish, week-long music festivals and all of the bar tabs I so heroically-and regrettably-offered to pay.

I’ve kicked the iTunes habit my stay-at-home mother so desperately begged me to curb in high school (she was less than thrilled that my father’s hard-fought-for pension was going towards things like the “1,2 Step” music video and the “Goofy Movie” soundtrack) and nixed my morning cappuccinos, all in hopes of keeping afloat — and finding the center in my checkbook.

In a world where there are college courses on wine (Cornell University), maple syrup (Alfred University) and even “The Art of Walking” (Centre College) — but none on being a self-sustainable human being, learning to cut the crap must, instead, come naturally (often on its own time).

And so, I present to you, Adulting 101: The Sparknotes edition.

1. That’s definitely mold. You should definitely do something about it.

2. Make sure you’re not paying part of the previous tenant’s cable bill because you more than likely definitely are.

3. Never read the comments section.

4. Check that tupperware before microwaving.

5. Tupperware is spelled “tupperware.”

6. The IRS doesn’t care that you also need to eat.

7. Open your mail.

8. No, seriously. Open your mail.

9. Never tell your dentist (pre-procedure) that you don’t care how it’s going to look.

10. Your DNA is on everything.

11. Snoozing “five more minutes” than you did yesterday, every day, will catch up to you and eventually get you fired — in the same way that those Seamless orders will come back to haunt your bank account.

12. APR stands for “annual percentage rate.”

13. Annual percentage rate has something to do with your credit cards.

14. Which you should have, apparently.

15. Say no if you want to.

16. Say yes if you want to.

17. Feel if you want to.

18. Snack if you want to.

19. Wine does not equal dinner and neither does air, even if it’s all you can afford at the moment.

20. A savings account is called a savings account for a reason.

21. If you use it like you would a checking account, your bank will (not so) politely threaten to strip it of said title.

22. Cutlery ain’t cheap.

23. Carpe dormio (seize the nap), also known as,

“This is fine.”

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